These Old Bones

            She felt it in her knees and hips before she woke up. It was always there, that dull aching that meant she was still alive, still able to get up and keep moving. Mona stretched out her legs and tried to make it go away. It receded for a brief moment, then returned more insistently. She had been still for too long. Mona opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. 6:27 AM. She sighed and stretched her hip.

            She spent a familiar few minutes trying to get her body to feel normal. It was this nagging ache that made her crazy. Mona thought she could handle it if it happened all at once, if she was flooded by a wave of dizzying agony for a day and then was free of it. But this ongoing irritation at the back of her mind made her someone else.

            There was no use in denying it any longer: she was awake. Mona sat up and tried to stretch her lower back. This only made the pain in her hip worse, so she stopped and reached for the corner of her bedside table. After she had time to catch her breath, Mona leaned against it and pushed herself out of bed. The lamp’s cord swayed under the pressure and the back of the bedside table it hit the wall.

            The first few steps were always the hardest. The pain that shot through the middles of her knees and torso made her want to vomit, but it gradually lessened until it was only a fire in her joints. Mona sighed in relief. She ran a shaky hand over her forehead and smoothed out her eyebrows. Then she walked to her bathroom and flicked on the light.

            Mona winced as her eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. She stared at the grumpy creature in the mirror, eyeing her jealously. Then she heard a noise come from her bed so she walked back.

            “What time is it?” Aaron said. His arms were twisted around his face to block the light. “Is it time to get up?”

            “No,” she said, “I’m just up. Don’t worry about it.”
            “Okay,” he said, his body relaxing again. She walked back to the bathroom and closed the door. This time her reflection’s expression was more relaxed, like someone had come and smoothed out its edges. Mona moved her face until it was almost touching the glass.

            She wondered how many years were left in her. She wondered if there would be a time when she didn’t wake up in pain. She combed out a strand of her hair and held it between her fingers. But no, it was still there. Still chocolatey brown and straight as straight can get. It didn’t match the way she felt, but there it was.

            Mona could already see the bags forming under her eyes. She touched them with cool fingers. Then she took a deep breath and formed her mouth into a line. This wasn’t where she thought she would be, either. In all her dreams of athletic prowess and record-breaking glory, Mona never thought she’d be angry at her reflection before the sun had come up. She never thought she would be walking like an old woman who had spent too many years chasing unruly children by the time she was twenty-four. But these things were true, and here she was.

~

            Her mood improved once Mona had caffeine flowing through her veins. She then spent forty minutes straightening her hair, taking advantage of the extra time the pain had provided her. She burned her hands twice and in the end she only looked like a slightly more put out version of herself. By the time she made it back into the kitchen, Aaron had gotten up, too.

            “Morning,” he said. “You look nice.”

            She shrugged, then realized he was being sweet. “Thanks,” she said. “I . . . tried.”

            He nodded. “Why were you up so early?”
            She shrugged again and shook her head. “My hip’s been bothering me. And my knees.”

            “I’m sorry, babe.”

            “It’s okay,” she said, even though it wasn’t. “I just needed to move around, you know?”

            He nodded and started making breakfast. Mona thought he was on to other topics, but she caught him looking her over. “What?” she said.

            “Do you think it’d be good for you to go back to physical therapy?” he said.

            Pain shot through her hip. “I don’t want to do that,” she said. “It’s too expensive.”

            His face seemed set against this reaction. “It is expensive,” he said, “but you should be able to sleep through the night.”

            She shrugged and walked to the cabinet to get a mug and avoid meeting his concerned eyes. “Yeah, I should,” she said. “I shouldn’t’ve been so hard on my body. People aren’t meant to hit the ground that often.”

            He suppressed a sigh. Mona could feel his frustration build and she wanted to reach out and touch his shoulders. She also wanted to grab the frying pan out of his hand and dump the contents onto the floor. “No, you shouldn’t have,” he said, “but you did. It happened. There’s no point in beating yourself up about it now.”
            “Yeah,” she said, “you’re right.”

            “But if you’re still in pain, we should do something about it.”

            “I’ve done everything I can about it.”

            They painted the familiar expressions on their faces. His said: I’m only trying to help you. I think there’s more you can do. Hers said: I get it, but I don’t want to hear about it anymore. He looked down and focused on cooking the eggs in front of him.

            Mona felt sorry she didn’t have a better response for Aaron. Her stomach twisted. “Anyway,” she said, “I should get going.” She grabbed her bag from where it sat on the kitchen table. “I’ll see you tonight?”

            He nodded, his mouth set in a line. She went up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. The warmth of his skin comforted her, and she wanted to fall into it. Mona hesitated a few moments and leaned into his back. She felt Aaron start to relax. She pushed her forehead into his shoulder. Then she turned and walked to the front door.

~

            By lunchtime, the only thing that was still hurting was her hip. She could feel it click when she walked, but she knew the only thing that would help was a hot bath. Mona didn’t have time for a bath, so she popped a few Advil and settled into the short journey to the café on the corner.

            Her phone started to buzz in her bag and she scrambled for it. As soon as she found it, however, she wanted to throw it across the street and watch it smash into pieces. It was her mother. She slid her finger across the answer button.

            “Hello?”

            “Hi, honey,” the syrupy voice at the end of the line said, “is this a good time?”

            “Not really,” Mona said. “I only have a few minutes to grab lunch and get back.”

            “Then I’ll be quick,” her mother said. Mona rolled her eyes. “You never have time for me.”

            “I barely have time for myself,” Mona said. “I’m always working, and when I’m not working I’m at home, so tired I can barely stand.”

            “Still, you can make time to call your mother.”

            Mona sighed. “You’re right, mom.”

            “Anyway, did I tell you about who I saw on Monday? June’s mother. You remember June from middle school, don’t you?”

            “Yes, mom.”

            “Well, her mother was always a stuck-up old bitch, but guess what?”
            “What, mom?”

            “You would not believe how much weight she’s gained. I barely recognized her, but then I could pick out that sour expression from a mile away.”

            “That’s not nice, mom.”

            “What? It’s true!”

            “Even if it’s true, it’s not a good thing to say. Karma catches up with you. What if someone called you a stuck-up old bitch?”

            “Well, let them! Let them talk! I don’t care.”

            Mona rolled her eyes again. “Okay, mom.”

            “She really has become a bitter old heifer, though,” her mother said.

            Mona crossed the street with the phone pressed to her ear. She stepped the wrong way onto the curb and felt the mistake as a painful twinge in her hip. “Is this really what you called me to talk about?” she said, unable to cut the edge out of her voice.

            “What? Do I need to call you with a prepared list of topics now? Mona’s too grown up and busy to listen to her poor mother talk about her life?”
            “No, mom, of course not.”

            “Well that’s what it sounds like. Jeez, I was just trying to chat with my daughter.”

            “You don’t chat with me, you chat at me,” Mona said under her breath.

            “What was that?”

            Mona thought about making something else up. Then she didn’t. “You don’t chat with me, you chat at me,” she said, firmly this time.

            “Why would you say something like to me? That’s so mean. Well, you certainly are in a mood today.”

            “That’s because I’m in pain, mom.”

            “Pain? What pain?”

            “My knees and hips are bothering me again.”

            “I’m sorry, dear, I really am, but I don’t see that as an excuse to talk to me the way you are.”

            Mona paused, and enjoyed the silence that briefly existed between them. Then she said, “Do you wake up every morning because you can’t sleep through the pain anymore?”

            “Of course not.”

            “I wonder what that must be like,” Mona said. She reached the café so she took a seat on the curb outside its entrance. “I can’t remember the last time I was completely out of pain.”

            “Well, honey, I’m sorry, but I don’t understand what that has to do with this conversation.”

            Mona bit the insides of her mouth. “It’s hard to think clearly when you’re in pain,” she said. “It’s hard to control your temper.”

            “So, what? You’re just going to go through the rest of your life as an angry person?” her mother said.

            “Maybe I will,” Mona said. “I don’t know yet.”

            “Well that’s no outlook to have.”

            “I’ll have whatever outlook I want.”

            She heard her mother sigh. “I know you will, honey. You’re just like your father.”

            Mona glanced back at the café. “Look, mom, I really have to go.”

            “Of course, just get rid of me as soon as you can. I hope you look back at this conversation later and feel good about it.”

            It was Mona’s turn to sigh, although it slipped out as a sort of growl. “Please, I just want to go.”

            “You know, you really shouldn’t be taking your pain out on other people this way. It’s not their fault you’re in pain. You injured yourself.”

            Mona gritted her teeth. Then she said, “I know it’s not their fault I’m in pain. I know it’s mostly my fault, but it’s also your fault.”

            “What the hell do you mean by that?” The sharp edge slipped onto her mother’s voice so easily that Mona knew she had prepared for this. “How is it in any way my fault?”
            Mona didn’t take the bait. Her voice stayed low. “Who pushed me to try harder? Jump higher? Who took me to practice and drove me home and watched me cry and screamed at me when I said I wanted to stop?”

Mona could almost hear her mother roll her eyes. “Oh please, that’s such an exaggeration.”

Mona ignored this and continued. “I did things to myself, I know that. But I was also super young. Where was the adult in my life? Wasn’t it your job to make sure I wasn’t hurting myself? Where was my protector?”

            Mona’s voice was starting to break. Her mother still wasn’t hearing her. “I did the best I could. I couldn’t control you. You signed up for it every time you put on your skates.”

            “I didn’t sign up to be in pain for the rest of my life!” Mona screamed. “I’d give it all back if I could!”
            Silence. Then, “You’re clearly too emotionally flooded right now to talk about this. Call me back later when you’re feeling better.” Pause. “Love you.” Mona heard the phone click as her mother hung up. She let her hand fall to the ground next to her. Then she stood up.

            Mona’s hip still hurt and she knew her knees would be dead in a few hours. Still, the end of the phone call had provided her with some kind of emotional release. She felt like she could say anything, like she should look people in the eyes as she passed them in the street and tell them exactly how she felt about them. She felt like she should go to Aaron’s work and enumerate all the issues she had with him, followed by all the reasons she had stayed. Her voice had found its way out of her mouth and she wanted to keep it coming. She wanted to tell them all that she changed her mind, it hadn’t been worth it. That the only thing that hurt worse than her damaged joints was the lonely feeling that came from abandonment.

            But even as she imagined saying these things, Mona knew they didn’t have a place in her world. She didn’t want to break down all her relationships for a moment’s vindication. She would eat and then call her mother back and apologize. She knew she would.

            And yet, there was still a spark of something left. Something that said things could be a little better, that she’d eventually get tired of this charade. Maybe.

            Mona went inside to get her lunch.